A Balinese woman’s bold exploration of casual sex

Is it necessary to help yourself achieve sexual satisfaction? I would like to share with you everything I have learned and experienced about one-night stands, casual sex, and whether or not they gave me sexual satisfaction. tweet

First of all, sex is a natural need that I made peace with ever since I became aware that repressing and denying it only caused me frustration, anger, and agony. As a normal human being, my body needs touch and intimacy (even in the U.S. there is a service which provides snuggling due to how hard and painful loneliness can be) and my physical body includes my vagina. It needs not only my fingers or a dildo, but also a penis and a mouth with a skillful tongue. My hands could only do so much and would already be occupied in one place and couldn’t play with my breasts or, at the same time, stick it up at my ass to multiply the intensity of my orgasm. Therefore, when I was not committed to someone else, I sometimes had casual sex. I certainly respect that this sexual preference is condemned by certain religions and culture but I had decided to follow my heart, listen to what my body tried to tell me, and learn from my own experiences.

It worked better when I did it with someone who was about to leave the country. I must admit that it could be hard for me to do it with men who lived here because I tended to get hurt when learning that he was only interested in sex, especially when I expected more than that. And even when I knew that it would not work out anyway (to form a long-term relationship because we only had a sexual attraction), I still found it irritating when he had already met another woman, especially when he already decided to be seriously committed to her quite soon. When someone was about to leave and I knew that I would not meet him again (at least very soon after the encounter), that was when I made sure that I would make the best of it. Still, the quality of orgasm that I had with someone that I was in a serious relationship with was more intense; it even lingered in my mind for years.

I always asked about my truest intentions. There were times when I was rejected or dumped by the men I loved and I attempted to seek revenge sex in order to numb the pain or to boost my ego and self-esteem. When I broke up with my first serious ex-boyfriend in 2008, I was really hurt. Before he left and I was still in St. Maarten, we talked about how many women he had slept with before me. When he told me that he had already made love to about 26 women—and he was the only man that I had ever had sexual intercourse with—I thought it was unfair that he had lived his life and I had not experienced the same. And thus, I decided to have a lot of one night stands with all kinds of men to gain more experience and thought that it would help me move on. Yes, my sexual life was quite colorful after that, but the pain had not healed and I still loved my ex, even five years after the separation. The same happened when I split with my last ex-partner. I could not accept that he was with another woman so soon after we had called it quits and I decided to have casual sex with men who were more successful and handsome than he was, yet the orgasms did not have long-term recovery effects.

I learned that the orgasms after casual sex could at least help refresh my mind, and sparked revelations or aha moments about actual issues that bugged me the most: There were times when I wanted clarity on some issues, but I was not in a relationship with anyone to explore them. So, when there was a chance that I met someone with whom I had sexual chemistry with, I sometimes got the answer I was looking for after having sex with them.

There were people with whom I would only ever have sexual chemistry with. When I entered a restaurant or a party, I would immediately know which men would think I was gorgeous, and who wouldn’t give a damn if I were naked next to them. I would also know which one I would only have sex with, and which one had the potential for a long-term relationship. I could meet a man and feel the sexual chemistry right away— that I would be wet 15 minutes after flirting with each other, or I would have steamy sex on the road with a stranger I just talked to. Most of time, I reacted on my impulse to fulfill my screaming sexual needs.

Preparing condom and lubrication cream was necessary for me, especially when I traveled on my own. I never knew when I would meet a sexy stranger or jungle man in the middle of nowhere, or a man with a gentle character with whom I would trust to explore anal sex with (in this case the lubrication cream will be very useful and necessary). Besides, playing with myself was a lot better with this cream. (If you are an Indonesian woman and you are given filthy looks by the staff of the shop where you buy condoms or lubrication cream, stay cool. Remember that you are smart to choose safe sex and you are independent and have the freedom to choose what to do for your body and your sexual needs.)

Self-respect is very important, even when it is only casual sex. At times, I met men who had derogatory attitudes towards Indonesian women. They considered us easy to get. When they gave me that look or I heard a statement implying that I was easy, I would look him right in the eye, and send a message emphasizing that it needed two to tango. Yes, I was easily seduced by their charms, but at the same time, they were also easily seduced and even disillusioned by our exotic skin and persona. Give him a touché. In addition to that, when I needed to, I would let him know that he was lucky to have me lift his ego as a man, when back in his homeland most of the women were too strong to handle and did not make him feel needed anymore. If he was too disrespectful, I would leave. But when it was tolerable, I made sure that I had my orgasm before he did, so I would leave with less regret.

I would like to give you an example: I met a Canadian man with whom I would like to have revenge sex with. He was cute, successful in his career, a good kisser, and his penis was perfect in length and thickness, which touched my G spot easily when I was on top. At that time, I worked as his interpreter. The problem started when he wanted to have his orgasm. I assumed he wanted to play Master and Slave because he kept murmuring about how he wanted to feel like he was the boss and I was his staff, as if he wanted to feel superior. I was not comfortable with it and I told him that I did not appreciate it, but I let him finish anyway because I thought he needed it to ejaculate. In the morning when I was about to leave, I told him again that I did not appreciate the things he said during our session. He didn’t say a word and I insisted that he take me to the lobby where he met me  for the first time. He refused. I threw him his clothes and I told him that I was not a prostitute and he should treat me with respect. He finally did— I asked him to open the door for me and I left after we arrived at the lobby. He sent me a text when he was about to board his plane. I ignored it.

Once someone became violent with me. I stayed calm until the shock dissipated and I could think rationally. I kept the texts he sent as evidence in case I had injury and needed to report it to the police and he tried to twist the story. I told him how I felt until he understood that it was not acceptable. As long as he was open for an amicable conversation, I remained civil.

(This applies to you, if you happen to be a working girl. I once talked to an Italian man who told me how he banged a prostitute and from his tone I sensed that he treated her in a way that she was a piece of meat without a soul. Another man told me about the time a [working] girl told him his price (which was about Rp. 500.000 [$8.40 USD] at the time); he decided to be very aggressive and abusive to the point where the girl cried in order to endure the pain. He simply said that if a girl dared to challenge a price, he would force her to do anything, even at the cost of physically hurting her. It is not acceptable, even when they both agreed for S and M. Please remember: As a working girl, you are a human being just like the rest of us. Yes, he paid for your sexual services, but you have dignity that he has to respect.)

Good character is more important than a man’s looks or success, even when it is just a one night stand. If you are like me, who’s inclined toward successful men, find ones who are polite, have humility and respect. I experienced that the possibility of having an orgasm was higher than doing it with men who were full of themselves, which would reflect how he treated me in bed.

For instance, there were two men with whom I had casual sex with that I would always think of. Coincidentally, they were both from Germany. One of them was a young man who would buy me a nice dinner or pick me up at the lobby of the hotel where he stayed at. After sex, he would kiss me softly and gently, and he would walk me to my car. The other one was an older man. Once, he opened my car door when he arrived and immediately rushed to give me passionate cunnilingus. I had my orgasm. But afterwards, we talked and found out that our future goals were not similar. He stopped in the middle of sex and said, “Purna, I am sorry. I cannot make love to you if you are not ready to have a serious relationship with me.” He had his orgasm at the end, but did not take advantage of the situation. That was honorable.

There are a lot of good men out there and when I was treated well, I had no regrets, even when I didn’t have an orgasm. (I would not underestimate an older man, by the way, who in my experience, thought that my orgasm was more important than his because it boosted his ego when he proved himself and others that he still had it.)

I also sometimes “volunteered” and had sex for someone. I was in a state of loathing my body when a friend told me that I was fat. I met a cute, young and successful Russian man who adored my body. I could see it in his eyes. He was gentle and treated me well in bed and would stop if I felt pain. He would get rough when I asked him to. The two times we had sex I did not come at all, but I felt good about my body. And I believe that there are men out there who would do the same favor for me; there were a few times when I met men who sensed my intensity and agony when I hadn’t had sex for months and he would allow me to use his body to release my tension.

Going to back to analyzing my intentions, I learned that there were times when I only wanted to focus on my own sexual satisfaction, not caring about the men’s. I needed to be fair, and satisfying them could be exhausting. And as a woman who didn’t want to exploit men, I sometimes chose masturbation over casual sex. I was with a man who gave me orgasmic oral sex for seven days straight and it was amazing, but I did not do the same for him because at the time, I did not enjoy doing it. He had his orgasms, but I felt guilty about not returning the favor. I have realized, though, that if I have to give my best to a partner, I prefer to be in a serious relationship.

I have also learned that there won’t always be good sex, but to enjoy the experience the best I can. And to be in the moment. The last time I had very satisfying oral sex, I really enjoyed it and was very mindful about it. My orgasm lasted almost an hour. It has made me appreciate it even more, since I have not met a man who has been able to give me the same one since.

People have told me that it is better to have a lot of sexual experiences instead of only doing it with one person, and that was the advice I gave to my virgin friends. My sexual experiences have taught me so many things and have helped me to understand what I like and what I don’t like. But there is one thing that I have had to bear until now: I have never felt satisfied with one man, because I have not found one single man who could do, and is willing to do, everything I like, and the other way around.

For instance, I met a man who liked to lick my feet and put them in his face when he shagged me and it felt very good, but he was bad at following directions during oral sex for my orgasm. There was another man I called a ‘lixpert’ (licking expert for his excellent skill at oral sex) but he could not stand my rough moves when I was on top. There was only one man who could reach my deepest G spot when we were in missionary position. The journey to reach that top could take hours, not only because it was hard, but because I liked to suspend my orgasm. When I finally got there, it was very rewarding (and it was good exercise for my pelvis). His penis was 6 inches and no other man, even with a longer penis, has been able to do it.

When I experienced good sex, I always wanted better and more, and I would be disappointed when a man wasn’t able to give me things I had experienced with the other men before him. tweet

This is something I need to work on. When someone is lucky to have a partner with whom she can communicate with and who is open minded to try new things, I don’t think it is a negative thing (instead of feeling that I have had better). I hope I can learn to compromise more.

I also decided to not give a blow job during a one-night stand and I will not force a man to do it neither. I had an experience with a man once who told me that he had herpes the day after we had sex, when I told him about a friend who admitted to me that he had the disease. I’d had hesitations about it and insisted on not going down on him; it turned out that my gut feeling was right. The virus could have spread to me— from that moment on, I became more cautious and stuck to my guns about not giving oral sex during one-night stands, and would, at least, ask directly about whether or not they had the disease.

Some other things I picked up:

I would give a man a compliment when we had good sex. I would simply mention that his penis was big (when it was really true), because I learned that men needed it and it wouldn’t hurt to make someone feel proud of himself. tweet

Having low expectations was better than having high ones. There were so many times when my expectations were too high and I got disappointed. tweet

Having sex for the first time with someone I just met did not always end up satisfying and I learned to accept it and move on. It was my decision to do it in the first place. If I want to invest in more intense satisfaction, I would rather wait. tweet

For me, I must have literal one-night stands: One time and one night. When I knew that it was only sexual attraction but did it for a second time, unnecessary attachment issues started and I found it hard to stop expecting more. tweet

When I wanted a man to give his best in bed, I would tell him the best experiences I had, but also the worst. If they were a good lover, they wanted to do better. There were times when they became forceful in order to make me come just for the sake of proving themselves and it hindered me from orgasm. I chose not to fake it even when they were disappointed with themselves. tweet

I usually told men what I liked and didn’t like during casual sex. For instance, I do not like the taste of the sperm and I refuse to swallow it. I once puked when I did and it was embarrassing— I have been upfront about it since then. I know that it is not fair since most men I dated loved doing it to me, but I didn’t enjoy it. If a man cannot deal with that, it is fine and we can cancel the sex. tweet

Last but not least, if you ask me about whether or not I have felt guilty about it [my sexual experiences], I would say that it could happen when I surrounded myself with people who thought it was wrong. No matter how strong I was, the people around me  sometimes influenced my perception of myself. So, I decided to be very strict with the kind of friends I allow to get close to me.

In my opinion, we can receive different kinds of satisfaction through casual sex or sex in a long-term relationship. When I did it with someone I loved—and had a lot more than just a sexual chemistry—the intensity of orgasm was deeper. The emotional security played a very crucial role. I learned that due to the attachment issues that I had, I sometimes tried to push men into a committed relationship with me, even when I knew that they did not share the same goals in life.

As a practical person, one fear that I always have about marriage is whether or not one person will be fulfilling enough, and whether or not I will be flexible to explore an open marriage if one man is not enough for me, and if I am not enough for my partner.

If I were asked about whether or not I will ever have a one-night stand again, I would never say no— I know how deep the satisfaction can be. I once promised my friend that I would practice abstinence for a year. It didn’t work out. I am a highly sexual person and as much as I understand the importance of controlling my impulses and my desires, it still needs a release, regardless of whether or not I will be considered a sinful human being or a whore by the conservatives of my culture.

In the meantime, I will do what is best for me. And you do what is best for you.

Purna Widari

Purna was born, raised, and currently lives in Bali, Indonesia. She is a concerned global citizen who is passionate about the state of the world, and uses her blog as a tool to build an online platform and community in order to connect and discuss issues that matter and are close to her heart. 

“Let us be the change we want to see in the world” – Mahatma Gandhi